Saturday, July 24, 2004
Koton Hador was an insanely irreverent blog where I posted content which was too bad even for the Godol Hador. I don't defend anything I wrote here (unless you really like it). I am just reposting this for historical curiosity.
posted at 1:21 PM
KH Classic: An open letter to all right wing lunatics
An open letter to all right wing lunatics –
By Rabbi Dovid Offhisrockerski
This letter is terribly painful to write. Almost as painful as the other 27 letters I have written so far on this same subject !
A few months ago, some innocent kannoim ruined nossy the nutter sniffykins life. It’s as simple as that.
In previous generations, that would have been enough for the torah true community. But we are not uncivilized cavemen. We hear rumors. And rumors of rumors. And rumors of rumors of rumors. And rumors of those rumors too. Enough with the rumors already ! I have heard erliche baal habatim and hard working mevazay torah struggle with the emunas kanoim that the charedi velt stands upon !
And in the process, we don’t realize that the faith in the people we turn to, when we want to slander an opponent, the people we ask to destroy our rivals, the people who decide which bans will get written this week, the people who do all our dirty work, is slowly being destroyed bit by bit.
Kanoim don’t have web sites. They don’t have PR firms. So, I have decided to represent them myself. My audience is only those who agree entirely with everything I say. If you don’t accept that everything I say is true, then this letter is not for you !
There are two questions to address. First, can we trust the kanoim ? Second, do I know anything at all about science and torah, or am I a complete dimwit ?
The Kanoim
There have been a number of claims against the kanoim:
1. The kanoim can’t read. Period.
2. The kanoim are just a bunch of thugs
3. The kanoim are all criminals and we should be embarrassed to even have these people in our midst.
Before I answer these claims, take a minute to reflect on this. Do you realize the implications ? That the kanoim don’t know what they are doing ? If you believe that, then that’s the end of emunas kanoim ! And the end of emunas chachomim ! And the end of emunas Chazal. And the end of Torah ! And the end of Hashem ! It’s the end of Judaism as we know it ! Fundamentalist Judaism cannot exist without Kanoim !
I have personally spoken to a number of these kanoim, and believe me, they are really upset. I don’t remember the last time I saw them so pissed.
Let me tell you a maaseh. A yeshivah bochur went to one kanoi and said, ‘I have read about you in the papers, and your criminal record is quite impressive !’
‘F*** you’ screamed the kanoi, and kicked him in the goolies !
What has happened to nattypoo fartypants is tragic, and all the more so because it was entirely avoidable. All he had to was immediately give in to the demands of the kanoim, make a nice fat donation to a ‘charity’ of their choice, and he would have gotten away with just a mild beating.
Now think for a moment. If you were selling a food product, and you found out that over 20 thugs from the local mafia were threatening you for protection money, would you continue without paying ?! If I found out that the mafia was after me, I would get on my knees and beg for my life !
Nossyfattyboy-sniffypoos-fartykins claims that if he could only talk to the kanoim, it might have been avoided. But that’s the point ! The kanoim don’t want to sit around while that fat, stupid bastard nosson explains them some Torah ! They just want to beat the crap out of him and move on to the next guy !
And rest assured, the kanoim know how to beat the crap out of someone, and it pains me to even have to say that.
Understand who these kanoim are. We are not talking about your average local right wing extremists. We are talking about hard core dangerous criminals ! These are the kanoim who have been elected by the Gedolim of this generation to beat the crap out of anyone they disagree with ! You don’t get to be a kanoi by election. It takes years of extremist behavior, criminal convictions and unpleasant allegations before you can be zoche to be a kanoi.
The problem is that with our western style of education, we have been told that its wrong to beat people up, its wrong to have a criminal record, its wrong to be full of hate. Now it appears that the Kanoim are on the side of darkness. But we need to free ourselves of this misconception. The Gedolim have paskened that the Kanoim are okay. Do you really think our Gedolim would have listened to the Kanoim if they didn’t respect them ? Of course not. The Gedolim hold of the Kanoim and we must too!
Science.
There have been a number of claims about me and Science & Torah.
1. I know nothing about Science.
2. I know very little about Torah.
3. I don’t know much about anything else, except maybe platonic relationships.
Well , the Gedolim have appointed me as their spokesperson in all these matters. And they obviously know all the above too. So if they appointed me, they must have taken all this into account ! I must be qualified !
Do you know that scientists 2000 years ago thought the world was flat ? Do you know that scientists of the last century did not know about modern science ? Do you know that new scientific discoveries are being found every day ? Scientists change their mind all the time ! How can we possibly trust them ?! Gedolim on the other hand haven’t changed their minds about science in 2000 years ! A sure sign that they must be correct ! Science to this day still hasn’t figured out where all those half-earth-half-mouse creatures are hiding ! This proves all scientists are fools.
And do you honestly think scientists are not biased ? Scientists begin with the assumption that they must expend all their efforts to prove that some obscure Babylonian rabbi of the 4th century is wrong. That is the whole basis of science ! They are not doing it for the betterment of mankind ! No, they are doing it all lehachis against our holy Gedolim !
And do you honestly think that all scientists are not reshoim ? Holocaust deniers exist. Nazi’s exist ! But only scientists are free from evil ?! Of course not. Since the scientists directly contradict our holy Gedolim and Kannoim, they must be evil too !
I think from the above you can get a good idea of my knowledge of Science.
In his books and personal views, Nossy-flossy-crappy-spacky has it all backwards. He think you should use your sechel. If something cannot possibly exist, maybe you should think twice before believing in it.
Our Gedolim and Kanoim however take a different approach. As long as some extremist Rabbi at some point in Jewish history seemed to believe in some retarded local superstition, however ridiculous, we are mechuyav to believe in it too ! Demons, devils, dibukkim, mermaids, birds growing from trees, spontaneously generating lice, half-earth-half-mice creatures, birds the size of small towns, Metatron, Magnobot, mermaids, sea monsters, the loch ness monster, the golem – its all true !
But dinosaurs – Chas vesholom ! No Godol ever believed in dinosaurs. Except the Tiferes Yisrael. And Rav kook. And R SR Hirsh. But forget them ! We cut them out of the mesorah, so they don’t count !
Conclusion
A frum scientist once quoted Rav Dessler. However a well known Kanoi intimidated him into retracting. Let me quote from this kanoi: ‘It is dangerous to say any Jewish views, because you may get it wrong, and then we will have to beat the crap out of you ! Leave all the Jewish stuff to the Gedolim, or better yet, the Kanoim’. Rabosai, we dare not utter any Torah, the Kanoim might beat the crap out of us !
Let me finish by selectively quoting individual words and individual letters from various books by R Shimshon Refael Hirsch himself:
“The …… kannoim….. are……always……correct. N....o…..s…..s….o…..n……is….a…..kofer !”.
See ! R Hirsh, who isn’t even a part of our mesorah, agrees with me ! Now you must too,
Or else I will send round the kanoim to smash yer face in.
posted at 11:38 AM
KH Classic: Rav Moshe's letter - The Unedited Version !
I was able to get hold of the unedited version of Rav Moshe Strangebrains letter. Apparently, certain Gedolim were embarrassed by the illogical reasoning in the original version, so they edited it. Kofrim ! There is no need to be embarrassed about Daas Torah. Only kofrim are embarrassed to look like raving meshuganes. A true Godol knows it’s perfectly normal !
Rav Moshe says:
Some have claimed that I have issued a ruling, that one who believes in science is not a heretic. Nothing could be further from the truth ! Of course all science is heresy ! Any Godol knows that.
These “science” assertions are not random, but are the result of an evil agenda amongst atheistic scientist reshoim, together with evil Jewish scholars and academics, to establish the belief that the world runs according to scientific laws. By asserting this, they are trying to prove that our holy Torah is false !
However the Ramban has clearly expressed the Jewish view: “It’s all a ness !”
Now, it is important to candidly acknowledge that the Rambam held the opposite view. But that’s not the Jewish view ! That’s the atheistic goyish view ! Only the Ramban is Jewish. The Rambam was a total goy ! Know this well, for this is the view of our holy Sages.
These evil scientists and scholars try to make Judaism consistent with science, in spite of the fact that science is itself utterly shocking. And that we should derive theories based on observation and experimentation ! Shocking and horrifying ! Our holy Sages didn’t do this ! Neither should we !
Consequently a person who accepts such goyish atheistic science must be carefully investigated. If he expresses one doubt about the superior scientific knowledge of the Gedolim, he is a kofer. That’s the halachah ! And I should know, because I just made it up !
The obvious truth is that the order and nature of science is concealed. For example, why does water heat up when boiled, but cool down when frozen ? Why does a mirror reflect an image, but glass is transparent ? Why do most people think rationally, but we chareidim are raving idiots ? The scientists have no answer to any of these questions ! However, we who have the Torah, do have an answer. It’s all a ness !
As a general rule, G-d gives His creatures the amount of intelligence they need to survive — but not more. This is especially true regarding the chareidim. We have just enough intelligence to survive, but not one drop more ! Learn this well, for this is the view of our holy Sages !
These atheist reshoim scientists say that we are descended from apes. However just the opposite is true. If we start with Chazal, and then look at the Geonim, the Rishonim, the Acharonim, and now the present day Gedolim, it’s clear that we are rapidly evolving towards being a bunch of brainless monkeys ! This is obvious to every man, woman and child.
There is an astounding observation relevant to these issues. Modern scientists have recently absolutely established that things fall down when dropped. This indicates that there is a power which causes them to fall. What power can this possibly be ? The scientists have no answer ! Only we, with our holy Sages, have the answer ! That power is Daas Torah. Only Daas Torah makes things fall !
Furthermore, having rational thoughts violates the positive commandment of “Veheyisem Meshugeh”. Irrational thoughts however, lead us to listen to the Gedolim. And irrational Gedolim lead us closer to the Torah ! The evidence is clear !
Having rational thoughts in your mind causes much trouble to those who possess them. Fortunately, we holy chareidim do not posses them so they are no trouble to us at all ! G-d willing, I hope to offer an expanded explanation of these issues when I publish the fourth volume of my work, “Know how to be a raving chareidi lunatic !”
KH Classic: The Koton Hador Answers Rav Rappaport
Rav Rappaport’s letter posted on Godol Hador has a lot of questions in it directed at the Gedolim. Such kefiradick kashyes he asks ! Clearly, this is someone who has no clue about the Gedolim. Rather than waste their time on this, the Gedolim have asked me to deal with him. Good decision, Gedolim. I shall make mincemeat out of this kofer. You call yourself a Rabbi ? I call you a kofer ! Hah !
Question
How could/did Rav Elyashiv append his signature to a document which he had not seen or read?
Answer
He’s 95 years old. He doesn’t remember every piece of paper shoved in front of him. And anyway, he didn’t do the appending, his aide did.
Question
Now that he has been made aware that his signature was appended to a false and severely incriminating statement against Rabbi Slifkin, does Rav Elyashiv not have an obligation to do whatever is within his ability to limit the damage, and ask forgiveness from Rabbi Slifkin?
Answer
Of course not. He’s one of the Gedolim. He is not going to chase after some low level rabbi like Slifkin and ask for mechiloh. He gest automatic mechiloh because he is a Godol.
Question
How did Rav Elyashiv remain ignorant of the way his signature was used for more than a month, and he was only told the truth about it by a visitor from the USA?
Answer
He’s 95 !!! He doesn’t know whats flying. Halevai I am even breathing at 95. And anyway, his aides kept it from him. They don’t like to upset him. He is 95 you know.
Question
Why did Rav Elyashiv only pronounce an interdict on Rabbi Slifkin' books and not on the books of Rabbis Dessler and Schwab? Why does Rav Elyashiv not issue a ban on numerous other books [including, I think, some published by Feldheim] that offer views similar to those offered by Rabbi Slifkin?
Answer
Nobody asked him to. If the kanoim were after Rav Dessler, Rav Eliashiv would ban him too. Also, Dessler didn’t get his picture on the front cover of mishpacha magazine so he is not so much in the public eye. The Gedolim are sensitive to public opinion and the media you know !
Question
What does Rav Elyashiv mean when he says that Rabbis Dessler and Schwab had a 'right' to believe things that we are not allowed to believe?
Answer
Well, he really believes they were kofrim too of course, but he doesn’t want to start a whole battle over it. Its not good for his health. Also, he holds of yeridas hadoros big time. We are so puny compared even to Rav Shwab that things he said we cannot understand much less say.
Question
How could a member of Rabbi Schwab's community be expected to change his convictions and views as a result of the new verdict?
Answer
Simple. You listen to the Gedolim. End of discussion.
Question
How could such a verdict be issued without 'amidah le-minyan'? Clearly there was no 'amidah le-minyan' because it is now becoming ever-increasingly evident that the various signatories were issuing different edicts. For example, in contrast to Rav Elyashiv, Rabbi Moshe Shapiro has ruled that Rabbi Slifkin's books are utter heresy.
Answer
We don’t need an amidah-limanyan. All you need is one Godol. The other signatures are to cover all bases as some people only hold of certain Gedolim.
Question
Even if there were such an 'amidah le-minyan', how would the procedure take place? Who decides which chachamim should be part of the deliberation leading towards banning a heretofore acceptable doctrine?
Answer
Procedure ? What is this “Procedure” of which you speak ? Procedures are for goyim !
Question
How would the Rabbonim decide which views are no longer acceptable or which views are acceptable only for some people and not for others?
Answer
How do they decide ? What kind of koferdick question is that ??? Their innate daas torah coupled with their superior grasp of all secular wisdom of course.
Question
From what point in time does the ruling become binding?
Answer
Immediately after it is confirmed that at least one of the signatures was not stolen.
Question
How does one who has lived in an earlier period go about changing his views upon becoming aware of the new edict?
Answer
Lived in an earlier period ? What the heck does that mean ? You mean like last week, before the ban came out ? What kind of koferdick question is that ??? One listens to daas torah. Period. Is that so difficult you kofer ?????????
posted by The Koton Hador # 8:38 PM 3 comments
posted at 11:36 AM
KH Classic: There are no atheists in foxholes
Its true. I surveyed all the foxholes in my neighborhood. Not one atheist in any of them. Where have all the atheists gone ? Maybe they are all too busy blogging their precious little hearts out to spend much time in their foxholes.
"Its the principle". How many times have you heard that as a justification for someone arguing about something which is not really that important ? Well what if we invented a principle that on principle, one shouldn't argue about the principle if the ramifications of employing that principle are not that important. That would really put a stop to all those "its about the principle" arguments. I suppose on principle we shouldn't just invent new principles, but principles have to come from somewhere don't they ? And if you claim I am wasting my time arguing about this, well I just have one thing to say. Its the principle.
KH Classic: FrumTeens on KotonHador !
Dear Frumteens Moderator,
I read this sefer over shabbos and it contained so much nonsense that its making me want to give up being frum. Can U help me ?
YeshivahDude613
Moderator: Burn it immediately and never read such kefirah books again !
YeshivahDude613: But it was Maseches Brachos !
Moderator: Next please !
Dear FrumTeens Moderator,I learnt in sem that its ossur to talk to boys. Now I am going on shidduch dates. Am I allowed to talk to my date ?
Thanx a million, CUL8er.
BJ Girl.
Moderator: Theoretically, yes. However a proper Bays Yaakov girl will just nod and agree. Good bochurim don’t want girls with opinions. Also remember that the Gedolim have paskened you must get engaged after 5 dates.
LakewoodBride: Dear Mod, you got to help me. I used to be a frumteen. Now I got married and I got a job and I got some colleagues and they are not even Jewish ! But they seem so nice. Should I socialize with them ?
Moderator: Chas vesholom. Never forget that goyim are really monkeys in sportswear. First you will start socializing, next thing you know you will be eating treifeh bananas in the jungle. You must quit your job immediately.
LakewoodBride: But I’m supporting my chosson in learning
Moderator: Next please !
posted at 11:35 AM
KH Classic: The Kanoim: Who they are and what they think
The kanoim are a scary bunch of people. I remember hearing stories about the vaad mishmeres hatznius beating the crap out of a couple that they caught kissing on rechov meah shearim. And this couple was married ! Of course that might be an urban myth.
Anyway, I would categorize kanoim into the following groups. All of these are RW UO I think. (Are there any MO kanoim ?)
1. Misguided but emesdik
The smallest segment, genuinely concerned for Torah and Klal Yisroel. Not sure if any kanoim these days fit this description. Maybe Pinchos was the last one.
2. Struggling with their inner demons.
These people have deep dark secrets they struggle with all the time. Could be of a criminal nature, could be of a sexual nature. An MO rabbi that I know believes that some of these people really hate G-d and / or religion but can’t bring themselves to admit it. Rav Kook says something similar somewhere. Why do they become kanoim ? Maybe to score some mitzva points ? Or just as an ‘acceptable’ outlet for their anger and frustration.
3. Trying to prove something
Maybe these guys are trying to get accepted into some circle and they need to prove something. (A kind of chareidi hazing ritual). Or more likely they are BT’s, from a ‘treif’ background who need to prove (probably mostly to themselves) that they have escaped their former lifestyle.
4. Extremist intolerants
People who are just intolerant and nasty, coupled with a personality type that gets all passionate about things and goes over the top. Kind of like the people who bomb abortion clinics because they care so much about the unborn fetuses, but fail to take notice of the born adults they blow up in the process. No matter which society these people lived in, they would find something to protest about, and would do it in an extreme way. Are these people born or bred that way ?
posted by The Koton Hador # 5:45
KH Classic: Gedolim Focus Groups !
Are you:
Worried about the after effects of signing a new ban ?
Not sure if your latest pesak will endear you to the Chareidi masses ?
Want to be sure that your path to Godol Hador status is secure ?
G-goons & Associates Market Research has the answer !
Our new Gedolim Focus Groups will provide you with the answers you need and more:
Widest range of charedi demographics, including RW, LW and MO’s
All sessions are conducted in a warm, non confrontational atmosphere
Complete NDA (Non Disclosure Agreement) must be signed by all participants
Some sample success stories:
Ban Focus Group: New Jersey
HaRav Wacky was asked to sign a ban, but was unsure whether this would further his reputation or degrade it. G-goons scheduled a focus group with participants from all segments of the orthodox community. The focus group clearly showed Wacky that this ban would make the MO’s ridicule him, large sections of UO reject him, and the Association of Charedi Apologists & Kiruv Workers would have to write a 15 volume work to try and apologize for him ! Needless to say, Wacky was very pleased to get this information, and went on to sign the ban with great success.
Pesak Focus Group: Maryland
Reb Whopper wanted to publish a pesak but wasn’t sure whether to be maykil or machmir. A unique 2 group session was held. In one group, a test maykil pesak was given , while the other group was given a machmir pesak. Both groups were entirely happy with the pesak, clearly proving to Whopper that nobody listens to his pesak anyway. Whopper exited the pesak industry, and is now doing much better business signing bans !
Don’t be foolish ! Join these and many other wise gedolim who figured out the potential effects of their actions beforehand, not after !
Coming Soon
Didn’t take our advice ? Then you need G-goons Damage Control and Public Relations Services.
posted at 11:33 AM
KH Classic: Gartner Research covers the Gedolim !!!
Gartner Group (http://www.gartner.com/) have just released their new research report "Trends 2005: The Gedolim". The full research report will be available soon, however here is the magic quadrant.
posted at 11:32 AM
KH Classic: Slifkin - Not Banned !!!
In stunning news today, the Gedolim have retracted the Slifkin ban ! Only The Koton Hador has the full and accurate story.
The ban was retracted at the monthly ‘Lets-retract-the-ban’ meeting of the Moetzes Gedolai Hatorah, in a marathon 10 minute session, after a delegation led by the ACAKW presented Volumes 15 through 20 of the Encyclopedia Slifkinnica: “Torah sources supporting Slifkin”, compiled by their associate Rabbi Gilbert Studious.
R Wackedfoibles was the first to retract. “Chas veSholom !” he exclaimed, as is his custom. “This whole thing was just a nisayon to test your emunas chachomim" he added, before heading off to the monthly ‘Lets-go-start-a-new-ban’ meeting in an adjoining conference room.
The other Gedolim were quick to jump on the bandwagon: “Of course there was nothing wrong with Slifkin, I knew that !” snorted R Shinyshoes. “When I said “The author thinks the world is millions of years old – all nonsense !” I clearly meant that we all know the world is billions of years old, not millions, silly !”
Rav Urine Reich was also conciliatory: “Chazal are not metzius, the ban was not metzius, my speech at the Agudah convention was not metzius, I’m not metzius ! Only Rav Wackedfoibles is metzius ! If he says Slifkin is ok, then he’s ok. That’s the kind of insane, irrational, ludicrous thinking a frum yid must have !” It is unclear at this time whether R Reich will be invited back to next years Agudah convention.
Some Gedolim went even further in their response to the retraction. Rav Wino, Rosh Kollel of Kollel Ayn Torah in Bnei Beserk, gave an enthusiastic mussar shmooz outside the convention hall about the wonders of science. “From now on, we will be instituting a science-seder every day at the kollel. Our avreichim will learn all about quarks, higgs-bosons, superstrings and multiverse theory. No one does it better than Kollel Ayn Torah !” said Rav Wino. “Now can I be admitted to the Moetzes ?”
Bystanders outside the convention hall were not perturbed by the events. “Only the Gedolim would have the amazing gadlus to reverse their direction like this !” proclaimed Moshe Shmuel Meshuganeh, an avreich at Kollel Ayn Torah. “This doesn’t affect my emunas chachomim at all. Pumfakert, this proves their gadlus even more !”
The Association for Charedi Apologists and Kiruv Workers were also delighted with the development, and immediately stopped work on their 60 volume opus ‘Encyclopedia Slifkinica’. Rabbi Felthats baal-teshuvah friend could not be located for comment, so we talked to Rabbi Felthat instead. “ See, the charedim are ok after all.” he said, looking visibly relieved. “I knew that all along, of course I did”.
Local kiruv workers were similarly relieved. “The Kiruv Program looked doomed for a while, but now we are back on track, on time and within budget” said Rabbi David Silvertongue, of the Y6K Kiruv Consulting Company. “Program end date is scheduled for zman bias hamoshiach, with all Kiruv Projects to complete and be fully frummed out at that point”.
Rabbi Slifkin was greatly encouraged on hearing the reversal, and immediately set to work on his latest book. “This one’s going to be called ‘How the universe was actually sneezed out of the nose of an inter-galactic being called the Great Green Arklesizure” he said. “I am sure it will be completely non-controversial” he added naively, “as I have impeccable sources from acharonim, rishonim, obscure 12th century mekubolim and of course, the renowned 20th century rav, Rav Dovid “Douglas” Adams, olovesholom”.
The only rabbi not thrilled to hear the news was Rabbi Gilbert Studious of Yashiv Banned Books Inc. “Oy, this is so bad for business” he cried, as stocks of The Camel, the Hare and the Hyrax began to pile up in the living room of his Brooklyn home-warehouse-office complex. “Plus, what the heck am I going to blog about now ?”
posted at 11:31 AM
Brochos V2.0
It time to change the morning brochos. For too long we have been using an outdated medieval formula which is not relevant anymore. Shelo asani Ishoh is a case in point. Even in charedi circles equality of the sexes has become more of the norm. However nowadays we have a different split, that of modern orthodoxy and ultra orthodoxy. Therefore we propose the following changes.
Sheloh Asani Ishah / Sheasani Cirtzono.
This brochoh combination will now be deleted from all sidurim.
New Brachah Combination
For MO
Boruch atah hashem, elokeynu melech haolam, sheloh asani charedi.
For UO
Boruch atah hashem, elokeynu melech haolam, sheasani cirtzono.
This has a number of advantages:
Finally, a brachah which an MO can make with kavanah
The UO's shall not be insulted. They can just reuse the apologetic peshat which used to be said regarding sheloh asani ishah / sheasani cirtzonoh and it works just as well.
Try this tomorrow morning at shachris - it works great !
posted at 11:31 AM
KH Classic: Boruch the Dinosaur – Episode 1
Hi Kids, its Boruch the Dinosaur here !
Of course you know I never really existed. However hashem created me for 2 very special reasons :
1) To test the grownups
2) to entertain the yingelech !
You don't have to worry about 1) until you are bar mitzvah, so lets start with the fun !
Let me tell you about nursery rhymes. Many of them came from the uchy goyim and you should stay away from them. I will only be singing true haredi nursery rhymes, from the zman chazal. Imagine, you will be singing the same songs as Abaya and Rovo when they were little kids ! What a zchus that will be.
Kids, this one is called the "Song of the haskamah writers"(to the tune of ring of roses)
Sign a haskamah on heresy,
Books full of modern orthodoxy,
A cherem, a cherem, we all back down.
Next week, I will introduce you to some of my friends. However unlike me, they really exist ! I can't wait to tell you about miriam the mermaid, mendel the half-mouse-half-earth and big bird, who is really really big (about the size of flatbush !).
Now lets finish with a rousing rendition of the shows theme song. Come one kids all together now:
I’m Torah True,
A real frum Jew,
I hate apikorsim just like you,
With daas torah and the gedolay hador,
The haredim will reign for ever more.
posted at 11:30 AM
KH Classic: Boruch the Dinosaur - Banned !!!!
In stunning news tonite, popular childrens entertainer Boruch the Dinosaur has been banned by the Gedolai Hador. In a statement earlier, Rav Wackedfoibles from Bnai Beserk explained the reasons behind the ban: “ He’s banned ! That’s it ! Chas vesholom and Gut Shabbos". Moshe-Shmuel Meshuganeh, an avreich at R' Wackedfoibles Kollel "Ayn Torah" in Ramat Lunacy, added "You should know that R’ Wackedfoibles is not an extremist”, but was unable to elaborate further.
In response to this latest ban, Ohr Sameach have removed the word “Boruch” from their website, pending consultation with leading torah true authorities. Aish Hatorah, taking no chances, has now shut down their entire operation, pending consultation with leading torah true authorities. Dr Gerard Schroedingerscat, a leading scientist and jew commented “Are the gedolim paleontologists ? Are the gedolim scientists ?? Did they even see Jurassic Park ??? “
The blogging world was abuzz with the news. Gilbert Studious has written 16 pages of blogs on the subject. "Although I can quote 11 rishonim, 7 acharonim and one obscure german rabbi from the 19th century who all accept the existence of dinosaurs, I am still a nobody in the haredi world” he lamented. “So from now on I will devote my entire blog to Boruch. Its gonna be all Boruch , all the time ! Oh, and this has nothing to do with the fact that I am taking over exclusive distribution of the Boruch show”, he added.
Duvy Bear, another prolific blogger, had this to say: “ Its in the Tiferes Yisroel. Tiferes Yisroel ! Go read the Tiferes Yisroel. Do you hear ? Read my lips – T-i-f-e-r-e-s Y-i-s-r-o-e-l. Oh and by the way, you should look at the the Tiferes Yisroel .
The most passionate objectors to the ban were the fundamentalist members of the extreme right wing Atheist religion. "These frikkin (*%*&$*&$ mother-*(^$%$*% cultish, (*^%*&$*& moronic, ultra orthodox ^%#&^#&^#% maniacs &^%#*^$^(*%) brainwashing us with their %$#^&#* bizzarre, %^#&^#&^ irrational, (*%(* illogical beliefs”, exclaimed Misinformed-Nagid. “They are all bull*&%. Their religion is *(&^*(%&^. The existence of G-d is *&%^&^%(*&%&^$@!#^%#$^_^(*^$. If only the *&$^#%$(*%& gedolim would read some critical thinking books, we wouldn't be in this *&$*&%$@^%&^&**&$ mess” Misinformed also explained his own religious beliefs: “Atheism is not a belief you &$%$#&(*& idiot. It’s a lack of belief. Can’t you understand you frikkin &*^$&(%*(%($*&$( morons !? I don’t believe in Atheism, I only do not-believe in non-Atheism. It’s an entirely different thing."
Some felt that the ban would make their lives unbearable. “I can't live with such constraints ! I need to be free ! I need to be able to watch large purple dinosaurs ! This is the reason I have now become a non-believer who hates religion. Of course, I still wear my full chasiddisheh lvush, speak exclusively in yiddish, live in Kiryas Yoel and go to my local shteibel 3 times a day, I just can’t help it.” Says A hasid and a kofer and a heretic and a satmarer and an idiot. “On further reflection, I realize that I have 3 possible options: Commit suicide, abandon my family forever, or move to Teaneck. My rebbe says I shouldn't think for myself , so please tell me what to do !"
"Jewish blogs are not the appropriate place to enter into any discussions on current events in the Jewish world, Hamayvin Yovin. I am sure this issue will be discussed at length and in depth from all angles, in other places, for example the Agudah Convention or the Siyum Hashas." Said R AddledBrainStein, head of the ACAKW. “ No further comments on this or any other matter, ever”.
The producers of the show had this to say on their website, www.DinoTorah.com - "The Gedolim didn't like the use of an imaginary creature to entertain children. We are now working on a new show which will be more acceptable to the haredi world, tentatively titled "Mendel the half-earth-half-mouse".
posted at 11:30 AM
KH Classic: Slifkin - Banned !!!
Apparently, the initial draft of the slifkin ban was heavily edited to make it more palatable to the MO world. I have obtained an exclusive copy of the unedited version.
Giluy Daat from the Gedolim (Draft)
It has come to our attention that certain recent publications have discussed the idea that chas vesholom maybe chazal's chas vesholom view chas vesholom of chas vesholom science chas vesholom was, chas vesholom chas vesholom chas vesholom chas vesholom chas vesholom, incorrect chas vesholom chas vesholom chas vesholom chas vesholom chas vesholom chas vesholom chas vesholom. Chas vesholom. I don't know where these publications came from, or who wrote them, but the author is Rabbi Slifkin and the publisher is Feldheim, vhamevin yavin.
In addition, these publications propose solutions to the questions raised by scientific discoveries. To pay any regard to questions raised by science is the height of rishus, chas vesholom. Science is not metzius, what you see with your eyes is not metzius, what you hold in your hands is not metzius, even metzius is not metzius. The only metzius is that which the gedolim tell you. And even that is not metzius if its a gadol who I don't hold of. This is the kind of irrational thinking that a frum yid must have !
These publications quote a variety of sources, even having the tremendous chutzpah to quote authentic Jewish sources such as the Rambam, to support their position. What chutzpah ! However in the haredi world, with our haredi torah, our haredi mesorah, our haredi way of thinking, and our haredi way of saying chas vesholom (chas vesholom), we do not accept such views. The author must be mistaken, these rishonim never said that. Even if they did say it, it was certainly a forgery. Even if it was not a forgery, those rishonim were off the derech. Even if they were not off the derech, we don't hold by them. Even if we hold by them, not in this case. Even if in this case we do hold of them, you are still banned, so there !
As to the fact that there is overwhelming evidence that the world is older than 6000 years, its well known that the heligeh acharon, Rev Feivel Henry Gosse zecher tzadik livrochoh, had a gantz gutte peshat, that the world was created this way, as a nisayon. We can take this chiddush and expand it even further. The seforim which seem to hold that the Torah can be read non literally, were never actually written by their authors, they were also created by hashem as a nisayon ! And the acharonim who hold like this, they were created by hashem as a nisayon too. Its all a nisayon ! This is the kind of ridiculous thinking a frum yid must have !
As to the authors claims that chazal were not knowledgeable in science since they talked about lice which grow from dirt, or mice which are half earth, or birds the size of small towns, it is well known that the tevah has changed since zman chazal. In fact, the tevah changes all the time, as we see every single day. Why only yesterday it was sunny, but today it rained ! Mah godlu maasechah hashem ! The author is so taken by science, and yet has failed to notice the weather. Clearly this shows the nonsense that this author has written. Likewise, the scientists claim to know what happened millions of years ago, but can they tell what I will eat for breakfast tomorrow morning?! Where is their science now ? Clearly this shows what nonsense science is. This is the kind of ludicrous thinking a frum yid must have !
Rabosay, these books are full of kefiroh. And even the bits which aren't kefiroh, they sound like kefiroh. And even the bits which don't sound like kefirah, have a kefiradik style of writing. And even the bits which are completely not kefirah, they are kefirah too! This is the kind of illogical thinking a frum yid must have.
The author has all sorts of excuses. He claims he is learning torah. He claims he is doing kiruv work. He claims I don't read english and have never read any of his books, but some guy came round to my office yesterday and asked me to sign something so I did. He claims that he would like to speak to me before I ruin his life out of ignorance. Such excuses ! No excuses at all are possible in such a case. These books must be burned. Anything the author says must be discounted. Better yet, it should be written down and then burned. Anything the author thinks, he must say out loud, then we can write it down, and then we can burn that too !
This is the kind of insane thinking a frum yid must have !
If we'll be koreya vemodim, we'll be meracheck rechokim, we'll be merachek kerovim, and we'll be zocheh to see the ohr ha-emes whenMashiach comes, omen vchen yhi ratzon.
posted at 11:29 AM
